Morning Commute: June In The Rearview Mirror

At the end of every month, I’ll post a Spotify playlist with all of the Morning Commute songs from that month. If I can’t find a song on Spotify, I’ll replace it with a song by, or featuring, the same artist whenever possible.

Gone too soon, June. Or was it not soon enough?

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Turnip Tuesday – Krept & Konan – “Freak Of The Week” (Ft. Jeremih)

The British are coming, slowly but surely Caribbean influenced British raps is making its way across the Atlantic.  We already gave you the grime smash “Shutdown” with British-Nigerian Skepta.  The most notable of these brits is usually heard wearing the audio uniform of Grime, but these guys take it to the islands with the dancehall/reggae influence and the help of Chicago crooner Jeremih. TURN UP DEM!

It’s Official, June Is Now Shia Lebouf Month – Rat Tails, And Raps Welcome

We started the month of June with Shia’s motivation. My mans is the gift that keeps on givin so, let’s close it with Shia bussin off the top! Complete with a shout out to our Potatoes Of The Day:

“Still breakin down potatoes, like I’m phuckin Galileo”

Not sure what’s sicker and slicker, that boy’s flow or that rat-tail drapin off his dome. SHOOT-EM, SHIA!

Grand Openin, Grand Closin! Hot-Damn Ya Man, Shia CRACKED the can open again!

That was called recyclin, its allowed in rap, INTERNET! Get off my mans Shia’s SACK! LET THAT BOY BUST HIS RHYMES!

Here are some notable lines from this spoken word worth exploring in depth:

Continue reading It’s Official, June Is Now Shia Lebouf Month – Rat Tails, And Raps Welcome

Potato Of The Day Episode 66

artichokepineconeCan someone explain to me just when in the hell we started eating pine cones? Is this a new health fad I missed in between blueberry colonic cleanses and calling crazed carnivorous consumption a diet? Like for real, pine cones you guys? What’s next, licking tree bark? Catching those twirling helicopter seeds in your mouth like a trained poodle? MOWING THE LAWN WITH YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH?  Where are we going as a people, huh? What stupid depths of health madness are we succumbing to if we’re willing to do something as stupid as eating pine cones? There’s no possible scientific evidence that pine cones have a health benefit, you guys. They belong in the SOIL, not in our stomachs! Be real, SQUIRRELS don’t even eat those! We’re taking the leftovers of rodents! If suburban rats won’t sniff them, what the hell are we doing munching down those mulch makers? I just… THIS IS ALL VERY CONFUSING AND IT’S STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.

FOR REAL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW IT’S HEALTHY TO RISK A CONIFER GROWTH IN YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACK? ARE YOU PREPARED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE CLEANING UP LOOSE PINE NEEDLES, SITTING ON SCRATCHY BLANKETS THAT BARELY COVER THE POINTY IRRITATION OF YOUR SHEDDED SPRUCE SPURS? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL WHEN YOU’VE GOT AN EVERGREEN HEMORRHOID PEAKING OUT MOUNT ANUS? YOU GONNA DECORATE THAT THING WITH STRANDS OF LIGHTS AND HAND-BLOWN GLASS ORNAMENTS? YOU GOING TO MAKE YOUR HEALTHY, HAPPY JUDEO-CHRISTIAN CHILDREN PUT WRAPPED BOXES UNDER YOUR BUTT? HEY DADDY, HERE’S ANOTHER FUCKING TIE YOU DON’T NEED! MOM SAID YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING A LITTLE HAGGARD LATELY SO SHE GOT YOU A CHAINSAW! NOW KIDS, DON’T RUIN THE SURPRISE. TELL ME HOW THAT’S HEALTHY. TELL ME HOW THAT MAKES ONE SHRED OF SENSE. TELL ME HOW THAT’S NOT A CONTINUATION OF THE SPIRALING SHIT CYCLE OF STUPIDITY WE CALL SOCIETY! TELL ME!!!

WHAT? NO, YOU CALM DOWN! I DON’T CARE IF THAT’S NOT… oh… you’re saying that’s not a… OH. Umm, okay. Give me a second here.

Sooo… you guys, we’re going to have to postpone this health craze rant for a minute. I just got word that we’re looking at an ARTICHOKE, not a pine cone. This is… well, frankly this is a little awkward now. An artichoke… yeah, that would… that would make a lot more sense. Because that’s a FOOD, and not an inedible seed pod making up a tree’s reproductive system. Whelp, I think we’re done here. Continue on with, uh, not eating pine cones and such. I’ll be over here taking a deep breath.

Monday Mood: Ty Dolla $ign – “Blasé” (Ft. Future, Rae Sremmurd)

Blasé – (Adjective) unimpressed or indifferent to something because one has experienced or seen it so often before.

Hey, if that’s how you feel about this week – that’s too bad! It really is! See, the guys on this song are blasé with success! Do YOU have that much success in your pocket? For you to be just sittin around scrollin through humbly amazing blogs by geniuses? Oh you do? You must’ve listened to Shia and that amazing lil 3 year old girl from earlier. Carry on, my friend. *blasé-blasé-blasé*

Potato Of The Day Episode 65

purplecauliflowerNote: Everything in this post is 100% scientifically and theoretically accurate. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Give or take a hundred percentage points.

You guys, this cauliflower is PURPLE on PURPOSE. Like, it was specifically cultivated to look that way. Think about that decision making process. Think about how badly the cauliflower industry must have wanted a different look if they were willing to put their top-notch gene splicing scientists on creating My Pretty Cauliflower. Think about how misplaced of an effort that was. Was a white vegetable really not noticeable enough? There are like TWO other white vegetables. White onions and the bottom half of turnips. (I don’t have time to do more research than that, so keep your water chestnut ideas to yourself.) Now they’re stuck in the hyper-competitive purple game. Now they’ve got eggplants and the top half of turnips to deal with. IS THAT REALLY WORTH THE PRICE HUMANITY HAS TO PAY FOR CREATING A GENETIC VEGETABLE MONSTER? Sorry, lost myself in a fit a cauliflower rage for a second there.

But for real, can you imagine the marketing concept meeting where they came up with this bullshit? It was definitely a big think-tank ad firm meeting, a Knights of the Brand Table affair. Some fauxhawk-rocking #MILLENNIAL expert on #GENERATIONALDIFFERENCES stood up and went, “Bros, you know what’ll really drive people wild, really get them to spend a lot of hard-earned dollars on cauliflower? If we make that shit edgy. We gotta make cauliflower play to the young and wild. We can do it you guys…IF WE MAKE THAT SHIT LOOK LIKE MOLD!” Then a thoughtful dissenter raised a half-ass concern like, “But, Bravo-Toaster (or whatever his dumb, new-aged name is), how do we make the lamest part of California Mix edgy?” Then Bravo-Toaster, gesturing wildly with his hands, because that’s the method he learned for selling ideas in an email-address-farming free webinar on communication techniques he took three years ago while on cocaine, went, “Way ahead of you bro! We’re gonna spray-paint that shit PURPLE.” Then obviously a bunch of out-of-touch Baby Booming executives, frumpy old bags counting down the seconds until the sweet release of retirement, nodded murmurs of approval. “If we don’t understand the appeal, it must be a good idea!” Then to wrap it all up, some idiot Yes Man brought up their teenage son who wore a #PUPRLESHIRT as proof the idea had legs. Meeting adjourned. Back to trying to avoid sexual harassment lawsuits for the rest of the day. “Remember guys, the Mad Men era is over. Watch your hands!”

Of course that meeting was completely worthless because no one wants to eat purple cauliflower. IT’S AWFUL AND BLAND AND LOOKS LIKE MOLD! Bad idea all the way around. Edgy advertising is out. But retro… now, retro might get it done. I’m talking tie-dyed cauliflower, man. That would REALLY sell.