Yesterday was Memorial Day – the unofficial start of the summer in these United States. For our first TURNIP of the new season, we introduce you to the song that will dominate your summer at every get together, barbeque, hootenanny, jukefest, hoedown, and celebration of every kind – if your party has their $hit together. Afterall D.R.A.M. stands for “Does Real A$$ Music”, so get that a$$ in motion and WHEREVER this shall come on, hit that CHACHAAA!
Besides, anybody that incorporates Super Mario Brothers into a song (especially this instant dance party), has already won at music and life. I LIKE TO CHA CHAAAA! [can’t stop SAYIN it!]
I’m going to tell you a riveting, gripping tale about fruit pizza. Yes, THAT fruit pizza. It looks pretty damn good doesn’t it? Except for maybe that one strawberry near the top of the photo. You see it. The one with the older brother who wouldn’t stop yelling, “Why are you hitting yourself,” smacking its younger berry’s arm up into its own seedy face until it cried out for mom with a blackening eye. Older strawberries are notorious bullies. We all know an older strawberry.
Damnit, there I go getting derailed from this epic adventure I need to tell you about. Okay, enough with the sidebars. Are you ready for this harrowing account of redemption? This classical parable of friendship? This legendary anecdote of… FRUIT PIZZA? Get yourself mentally prepared. Loosen up those reading pupils. Put some droplets in your mind’s eye. This is a real doozy you guys, a real emotional seesaw. This is the type of culinary journey Homer would have waxed Greek about. This is about two blueberries south of a Nobel. This story is downright biblical.
Alright, I’m going to need to you to picture this. Ready? Of course you are. You were born ready. This is your time to shine. Okay, close your eyes. And… oh shit.
Wait! Open your eyes back up! You won’t be able to read this if you keep your eyes closed! Crap, oh crap. Are you using a text to speech app? Yes? No? Hello? Go back. Shit, no don’t say that out loud! Stay on this page! Don’t leave me! The rest of you, please open your eyes. Please? Are they open yet? What if you never open your eyes again, anxiously anticipating a story about fruit pizza? I DON’T THINK I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. You guys? IS ANYONE THERE? Did I blind the whole world? AM I ALL ALONE?
Well… shit. I really screwed this blog post up. And it really was an incredible story about fruit pizza. 😦
You’re writing checks than your a$$ can’t cash. You bit more than you could chew. Your mouth is bigger than your stomach. You’ve got an appetitie for self-destruction, lads! No matter how you put it, the Houston Rockets have made a big big sacrilegious mistake. Not just for the eventuality of their demise in the current series, but possible for the near future. Lil B The Based God warned Rockets star James Harden of his sins: Continue reading How Houston Rockets’ Blasphemous Tweet Sealed Their Fate
Umm… so… Dapper Young Blake (great name by the way, dude)… uh… you know… you could have just… well… you know… like in tic-tac-toe when you have an opportunity to put a third piece in a row… well… ARE YOU FOR REAL RIGHT NOW? WATCHING THAT IS THE SINGLE MOST FRUSTRATING THING I’VE EVER SEEN YOU INCOMPETENT BUFFOON. I’m no Game Theory expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s sub-optimal strategy to play not to win. I’m not entirely sure WHY you’d want to go that route, but I guess if Dapper Young Blake has hedonophobia, that could explain it? I’m still… I mean… COME ON.
Don’t think I don’t see you too, other bro. Reid, your game is mad weak. You’re just the lesser of two idiots here. I sort of get what you’re doing. You’re a Rockets fan. You’re used to watching James Harden. You don’t need defense. You just crave that XXX. You’re dumb, but you’re true to the team. Live and let live, I guess.
But Dapper Young Blake… I just can’t… like… THEY WERE ON YOUR SIDE OF THE COURT. IT LITERALLY COULDN’T HAVE BEEN EASIER FOR YOU TO SEE WHERE YOU NEEDED TO PUT YOUR LAST CAR LOGO. I need to go. I’m hyperventilating. Idiots.