Humpday Hymn: Chris Cornell – “Scream” (Ft. Timbaland)

If you’re a fan of Soundgarden, or Audioslave. Congratulations, I don’t care. You do have good taste, though so…go buy yourself a drink. Tell the bartender its on my tab.
My introduction to the demi-god voice of Chris Cornell was in his solo collabo with the Timbo the King. A stretch for both the rock legend, and producer of Aaliyah, Timbaland, and Ginuwine this is a seamless partnership.  Know how artists be like “you gotta here my album in its entirety, to get it blaaah, I’m so artsy(Mozart is meta as phuck)? Well HERE is ONE album where that LITERALLY applies. Like Dr. Dre, and Lil Jon, Timbaland started as a D.J., and this album transitions from cut-to-cut like one seamless set. As soon as wheels go up, its my go-to album when flying. SORRY STEWARDESS, don’t scream at me!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 28 – Potato Noir Part III

redpotatoI can tell right away I’m going to hate Red. He’s of the seat belt wearing, minivan to church, middle class, always play it safe crowd. No way did this guy get close enough to see anything useful. I gave up gambling, the vices got stacked a little too high, but if I was in a betting mood, I’d say this guy saw nothing. It’s hard to see when you’re cowering behind drapes.

I have more tolerance for the company of lowlifes than I do for the gutless asswipes like Red. He’s all yes sir, no sir with his answers, giving me his best by-the-book citizen demeanor. You can see his sense of worth inflate with every response. I can’t stand it. There’s not an ounce of man in this potato.

My hunch is right. His story is equal parts pathetic and unhelpful. He heard a loud noise, maybe some arguing, he couldn’t make it out clearly, and wasn’t about to venture outside. He’s got a family to look out for ya know? Better the nuclear dream than a spine, I guess. He did see something though, a big shadow. Extra emphasis on the big. Gives me pause. The traumatized kid was telling the truth. Well, a traumatized version of it anyway.

I ask him if he’s got anything else for me. Anything at all. He tells me he heard a kid crying. I fight the urge to sock him in the jaw. The coward probably could have stopped the whole thing. Could have saved little Peewee a life of flashbacks. But he did nothing. Protecting his family. I spit out a quick thanks and walk away, leaving the jackass to preen in his hallucinatory helpfulness. He’ll never understand how truly worthless he is.

I ask a uniform who the last witness is. Fuck. The honorable Yukon Gold awaits my questioning. And here I thought I’d already dealt with the biggest asshole of the day…

 

Ben’s Diary: Jaden Smith Is Off Twitter, And I’m Bugging The Fuck Out!

Dear Diary,

This is Siya. Ben was in a last minute rush to pack, and phone-in the rest of his crusty-ass potatoes of the day.  He left you in America, right next to this passport looking thing…Oh well, must not be important.

You know WTF IS important? JADEN SMITH WISDOM! YOU KNOW WTF happened to THAT? GONE!… ALL OF IT!… NO EXPLANATION, but a big blue twitter background with “Sorry that page doesn’t exist!” WHHHAT in the ACTUAL phuck is that about? 

“That’s why you screenshot things”

Really? I was just supposed to foresee the future and screenshot every damn thing Jaden Smith tweeted? Do you realize how stupid you sound? Jaden tweets are to be internalized, and used as mantras in deep meditation and self-reflection of all that is, was, and will be – not SCREENSHOTTED to live in some abyss of an ever phone-clogging camera roll next to your dick-pics!

“Maybe this is a test”

YO, I’m buggin! It’s like that Tony Robbins book you have and never read, you know? You just need to know its there to read 10 pages of it from time to time and pretend to be a new person for a bit.  But , its GONE NOW, MAN!

Don’t Question Jaden

Damn. This is truly a test. I don’t know of what! I don’t know why. I don’t know anything.

I’m alone now… until I find me. Maybe Jaden would want it this way.
#BringBackOurJaden