This is an unusually crazy weekend. From punching heroes to punching men, there’s just so much shit going on. To help you sort it all out, I’ve broken down the top eight most important sports and pop culture happenings this weekend so you’ll know what you shouldn’t miss out on:
The NFL Draft (Thursday-Saturday)
This technically starts tonight, but whatever, we’re going to use the term “weekend” very loosely. If you’re really, really into football, then you probably already have plans to watch the draft, and hey, good for you for having passions in life! Do your thing. If you’re only a casual football fan, then you probably don’t need to watch the draft and can just read the recaps for your favorite team Friday morning, and Saturday morning, and Sunday morning, because holy shit the draft is really long. If you don’t care about football, then you can just LOL at all of those dipshits watching the modern day lovechild of slave auctions and boardroom meetings. WHITE DUDES EVALUATING BLACK DUDES (and some white dudes).YEEEEEHAWWWW!
The NBA Playoffs (Thursday-Sunday)
The NBA Playoffs continue into the weekend. There’s two Game 6s tonight, with Chicago-Milwaukee and San Antonio-Las Angeles squaring off, which means there could be two Game 7s on Saturday. Game 7s are eye-injected heroin, which in this case is a good thing, but any other time would probably be a bad thing. Unless for some reason your doctor should prescribe eye-injected heroin, in which case, seek a second opinion. There’s also a Game 6 on Friday night, but it’s Atlanta-Brooklyn, the basketball equivalent of getting eye-gouged by a frozen spike of shit. WHAT’S WITH ALL OF THE EYE POKING GOING ON IN THIS PARAGRAPH? I don’t know, capital letter version of me. But don’t watch Atlanta-Brooklyn. Not even if they go to a Game 7 on Sunday.
The NHL Playoffs (Thursday-Sunday)
I’ve been really busy with like stuff and things lately, so I haven’t been following the hockey playoffs as much as I should. But, they’re still going on! The second round starts tonight and tomorrow night, continuing on Saturday and Sunday. Playoff hockey is badass. SO MAYBE THIS AN OPTION FOR YOU IF YOU ENJOY THINGS THAT ARE BADASS.
May Day (Friday)
May Day is tomorrow so if you don’t like sports, but DO like pagan (but also maybe Roman pantheon and/or Christian) festivals and traditions, THEN GET READY TO ROCK THOSE LEAF AND FLOWER GARLANDS YOU CRAZY MAY QUEEN, YOU! No one has left me a May Day basket in years, so I’m super salty and reppin’ hard for Team Fuck May Day. But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t dance my ass off around a maypole if one sprouted up in my backyard.
Avengers: Age Of Ultron (Opens Friday)
You’re either a blockbuster loving movie person, or a person who hates fun. Judging by the fact that the first Avengers movie made more money than the GDP of 22 different countries, chances are pretty high you enjoy blockbusters. I’m all in on superhero shit, the first Avengers was one of my top five most memorable in-theater movie experiences. (The rest of the hastily thrown together top five in no particular order: Snowpiercer because I was completely blindsided by how badass that movie was and also because it was my first time at a theater that sold booze. The Dark Knight Rises because I saw it a day after the Colorado movie theater shootings and the entire theater was petrified whenever someone stood up. Contagion because I saw it while living in Minneapolis and part of that movie took place on THE STREET WE LIVED ON. I washed my hands approximately 22,000 times that day. And Finding Nemo because handjobs.) So I’ll definitely be trying to find time to squeeze a little Robert Downey Jr and Mark Ruffalo pulverizing CGI’d city streets into my weekend. HULKBUSTER ARMOR, BRO. GET FUCKING HYPED. SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT THIS SHIT:
Sure, Disney definitely doesn’t need your $89.90 for two tickets and a pocket-square’s worth of popcorn, but I’m willing to bet dollar for dollar, this is most fun use of that money this weekend.
The Kentucky Derby (Saturday)
Or you could set your cash on fire gambling on horses you’ve never heard of! I don’t know anything about horse racing so don’t look to me for gambling advice, BUT THAT BEING SAID, I’m going to pick the correct winner anyway! The favorite is a horse named American Pharaoh. Don’t pick that horse. Pharaohs are so entirely un-American. GET THAT ANCIENT EGYPTIAN MONARCH SHIT OUT OF HERE. The second favorite horse is named Dortmund. Nope, fuck that, too. That’s a German city. WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOU AXIS POWER BULLSHIT. The third favorite horse is named Carpe Diem… which, well that’s Latin. What the fuck, Kentucky Derby? You’re supposed to be one of our greatest American traditions! Where are the AMERICAN horses? Oh, there’s a horse at 30-1 odds named Bolo? Bolo ties are pretty damn American, I guess. BOLO IT IS. POUR ME A MINT JULEP! BEN ONLY LIVES ONCE.
Free Comic Book Day (Saturday)
Now that you’ve lost your life savings gambling on a 30-1 long shot, you might want something free to do! Free Comic Book Day has you covered. If you’ve been curious about comic books and graphic novels, Saturday is the perfect day to explore that curiosity. Seriously, I can’t recommend the graphic novel and comic book reading experience enough. There are some truly amazing, beautiful works being done in the medium, across every genre of storytelling. Comics aren’t just about the Avengers and Batmans of the world (those are totally DOPE though), they’re incredible, literary stories that will make you feel actual feelings. If you’re a reader, and judging by the fact that you’re nine hundred some words deep into an article about things to do this weekend – I’m going to assume that’s the case, you owe it to yourself to explore what the graphic novel world has to offer. Stop by your local comic shop this Saturday, pick up some free comics, ask a store clerk for some reading recommendations based on TV shows or movies you like (SERIOUSLY, BUY SOMETHING SO THOSE WONDERFUL COMIC SHOPS STAY IN BUSINESS), and I guarantee you’ll find something you fall in love with. Hell, shoot me an email at email@example.com and I’ll recommend you something myself.
The main event this weekend is the original main event – boxing. Mayweather- Pacquiao. You’ve undoubtedly heard about this already. You already knew it was going on. Maybe you already have plans to drop a Benjamin Franklin to watch it on TV. So why am I writing about it when so many people have already written about it already? Because as over-hyped as it may be, this is going to be a fucking spectacle.
Look, this is boxing’s last hurrah, the dying ride off into the sunset. This is boxing’s obituary. You know how I know that? Name a single active boxer not named Floyd Mayweather or Manny Pacquiao. Were you able to do it? If so, congrats, you’re a hardcore boxing nut. If not, that’s my point exactly. MMA, UFC, concussion based team sports, hell, Liam Neeson movies, they’ve all chipped away at boxing’s core audience. There was a time in US history where a fight was THE event to see, when the world would stop to watch to grown men slug each other in the face. That’s no longer true. With one exception. Saturday night.
Yes, these two have ducked fighting each other for years. Yes, this is an over-hyped and over-promoted fight between two men well past their punching primes. Yes, this has all the makings of an enormous letdown. But it’s still historical. Very few moments in sporting history provoke an instant recollection of where you were and what you were doing when they happened. This is one of them. You’ll remember where you were on the night boxing died.
And hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe twenty years from now we’ll be writing articles about how an illiterate woman beating asshole and a homophobic failed pop star punched boxing back into the spotlight for good. It doesn’t seem likely, but that’d be a pretty damn good story, too.