“This makes me wanna smash things” was one of the comments on this SoundCloud entry.
So simple, yet… so profound and fitting for a Turnip Tuesday. Its the day after Monday. Katie STILL hasn’t replaced the ink toner, and Kyle is still begging you to hook him up with that one redhead in HR who you get along with. GROW A PAIR, AND STOP BEING SO RESULT-ORIENTED, KYLE! PHUUUCK! Is it Humpday Yet? I DON’T CARE, I’M WILDIN OUT TONIGHT! Judge or join me! Am I overreacting? BI+CH U GUESSED IT… U WAS RIGHT!
So at first I thought this was a teeny-tiny green potato. Like for real. This isn’t one of those dumb joke posts about pills in trashcans or pickles or any of that other dumb stuff. This is just a confession: I made a mistake. A really dumb mistake. Because I’m a dumb dude.
That’s an edamame bean. A soy bean. A bean. And while yes, it may grow in the ground and get harvested by farmers, it’s not even remotely close to being a potato. It’s a legume. Just look at the size of that bean. That bean dwarfs even the smallest Peewee Potato. What type of moron would confuse that for a potato? This type of moron, you guys. This type of moron.
So why did I think it was a potato? I legit have no idea. None. I stared at it, my mind went “Potato Of The Day”, and I took the photo. I got back to my computer to upload it and write a post about little green men, a vague metaphor outlining the march of plastic toys and Chinese manufacturing, and realized, “Oh shit, that’s a bean.” That’s it.
I wish there was a better story. I wish there was more to this Potato Of The Day than a sad, little bean, sitting idly on a table. But there’s not. That bean is our potato today. Let’s all take this as a life lesson. Sometimes you’re asked to provide a potato, but instead you give a bean. When that happens there’s nothing to do but own up to it.
So, I’m sorry guys. I fucked up. Sometimes I’m a real dummy!
Yesterday was my birthday but I didn’t celebrate it.
Let me start this off by saying I normally love my birthday. It’s a great day for pot heads, fans of historical baseball architecture, and the stock price of torture in Hell. There’s a lot of wonderful and a lot of terrible shit that has happened on April the 20th. But also, sometimes it’s Easter, which isn’t cool. Easter is dumb. Rabbits don’t have thumbs. How the hell are they supposed to paint eggs and carry baskets? What an idiotic day. It’s an Albert Hoffman meets Lewis Carroll hallucinatory holiday, a siphoning swirl of tie dyed eggshells and plastic pastel confetti broken up by the nightmare of Jesus’s bloody palms and headless chocolate house pets. Continue reading Ben’s Diary: Yesterday Was My Birthday But I Didn’t Celebrate It