Ben, I know what you’re thinking and just don’t do it. Don’t play into that stupid, overwrought tradition. Don’t give into the mindless numbed, the inebriated masses, staring off into galactic distances, debating the merits of delivery Chinese vs gas station pizza. You don’t need to play this game. Keep it educational. Keep it straight potato.
But bro. Bro. BRO. FOUR-TWENTY DUDE. Ha! Like remember how like that day is just like, well wait, what was I saying bro? Did someone say pizza? POTATO PIZZA. Now there’s an idea, we could just like throw some mash, some tots, and some crinkle cut fries on top, melt four pounds of cheese over the top of it, and sprinkle on a little… what… CHINESE FOOD. DUDE. We’re going to be so rich. You don’t think the government is listening to this do you?
Why, Ben? Just… why? You know how dumb this is. This isn’t an on-brand Potato Of The Day. It’s not! Don’t even try to justify it. Don’t spout some market share nonsense. The target demographic for this post is too busy searching couch cushions for lost lighters to be able to read this. Is it even possible to read with eyes that red? Ben, just stop now. I know where you’re going with this. I know how this ends. I’m you, remember? I CAN SEE THE FUCKING PUN COMING.
Hey man… what if Potato Of The Day was really an international conspiracy to pull attention away from the REAL issues? You know what I’m saying, man? Like what if while we’re all off thinking about these normal potatoes, the President is busy negotiating the unconditional surrender of the Grand Canyon to a race of squid-armed ALIEN potatoes? Bro… what IF WE’RE POTATOES?? Wait, that’d be pretty dope. Potatoes are so chill dude. What kind of potato would you be? Dude… I KNOW WHAT KIND I’D BE, MAN! I’d be a HASHbrown.
I hate us, Ben.