Turnip Tuesday Tune: N.E.R.D. – “Everybody Nose” (Remix Ft. Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Pusha T)

Standout LineShe stopped drinkin’ Diet Coke, she’s on that Coke Diet

My nose is stuffed from this flu, so that made me search “nose” in my library, and VOILA: Oldie-But-Goldie from these future-legends!  While most of America may now know Skateboard P for being the happiest man alive, most of his career consists of producing and belting on some of the most provocative pop mix that helped the likes of Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and even Snoop Dogg lock-in their respective spots in the party-hall-of-fame!  As the hook implies (and this Dayquil/Nyquil regiment has failed to help), this is the soundtrack to party girls in bathroom lines turning-up on ALL of the cocaine available in the vicinity clearing their nose.

Turn your speakers lower just a bit, this song is recorded at a higher bit-rate and will rattle your ear-wax off! (Or maybe that’s just this flu. Phuck this flu.)


Potato Of The Day Episode 12

jicamapotato“Hey, hold up a second… that’s not a potato. THAT’S A FUCKING JICAMA.” Shh, child. Don’t be scared. We’re just adventuring out into the great beyond! We’re expanding our universe. A Potato Of The Day can be anything we want it to be! Potatoes are our dreams, and the jicama is a glorious reverie!

Imagine if potatoes really were that big! Hush, I realize there actually are roided out taters that would make the Hulk happy. I’m talking about normal potatoes. Because this is a normal jicama. Just picture how life would be if our typical Russets, Yukon Golds, and Golden Sweet Potatoes were this big! Our ovens would have to be HUGE! That greasy cardboard half-box you keep your fries in would be so much longer! Potato chips would be the size of Frisbees! Picture yourself in this whimsical world of monster potatoes! Doesn’t it make you happy? Doesn’t it make you proud to have dreams?

And yes, I’m ignoring the literal of you out there, the ones who would hold the Potato Of The Day chained to its rigid format. We don’t need you in our alternate reality of voluptuous yams. Keep your negative energy to yourself. Besides, your thinking is all wrong. Wikipedia lists “Spanish Potato” and “Chinese Potato” as two alternate names for the jicama. How about that? So maybe, just maybe, a jicama really can be a Potato Of The Day! Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to dream after all! Maybe, just maybe, you should lighten up!




Ben’s Diary: I Had To Go To Two Wedding Showers On The Same Day And Thought I Was Going To Have A Panic Attack But I Didn’t


Dear Diary,

This past weekend I had to go to two wedding showers on the same day and thought I was going to have a panic attack, but I didn’t.

In an effort to step up my dickish wedding game, I agreed to go to two wedding showers [Siya note: What the PHUCK is a wedding shower? I thought that was a bridal shower. For women.][Ben note: 1.) Siya, what the actual fuck? How did you get into my diary?  2.) It’s the same thing, only it’s all-inclusive, but not like resorts are all-inclusive, instead like how unisex bathrooms are all-inclusive.] on the same day, for the same couple.  It’s important to mention that I’m really happy for the couple and excited to share in their love and blah blah blah, this isn’t about them.  It’s about me.  THOUGH… indulge me on one important tangent on the groom-to-be who I’ve known for many years: THIS DUDE PUTS SALT ON SOUR PATCH KIDS.  I don’t care who you are, that’s weird as shit.

For most of my adult life I’ve had severe social anxiety which often results in crippling panic attacks.  This can make going to things like wedding showers a huge fucking ordeal for me.  Never had a panic attack before?  1.) Fuck you, you lucky bastard.  2.) Let me describe one for you.

A panic attack is basically like a fine dining experience with a chef’s special menu, only everything being served is pain.  Picture it like such: Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Had To Go To Two Wedding Showers On The Same Day And Thought I Was Going To Have A Panic Attack But I Didn’t