IF THIS POTATO FRIGHTENS YOU, YOU’RE A BAD PERSON. Yes, I know it was probably born in a cesspool of nuclear waste and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ooze. Yes, I know it looks like the evil offspring of the mutant from The Goonies and a tumor. Yes, I know that’s a potato so ugly it makes mirrors crack and babies cry. But dude, IT’S NOT THAT POTATO’S FAULT.
Not all potatoes can be externally beautiful. Lack of aesthetic astuteness is no reason to label a potato Shylock. IF YOU PRICK IT DOES IT NOT BLEED? Well, no. Not literally. But like potato innards might crumble out. AND THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME. Look, potatoes are potatoes. No matter how unsightly, they still deserve the same treatment as other potatoes.
Think about if you were this potato! DUDE, DO NOT MAKE GAGGING NOISES. THAT’S NOT COOL. Just humor me. Put yourself in those spuddy little shoes. Day after day after day, shoppers file by you, snagging the potatoes to your left and your right, ignoring you. You know you don’t look as pretty as those picked potatoes, but deep down, you believe you have it, that special stuff that makes a potato really cook. But no one gives you a chance. So you silently rot away until you’re the last potato in the box, a forgotten reject, loved by no one, doomed to sprout those weird roots from your face.
DIDN’T IT SUCK TO BE THAT POTATO JUST NOW? DIDN’T YOU JUST WANT TO CALL YOUR MOM AND CRY? #FUCK. That’s a little thing called empathy. Now you know those feels. Now you know that struggle. The next time you’re out buying potatoes, give the ugly once a chance. It’s just human decency, man.