Thought Experiment: What If Puff Daddy Was Really A Pufferfish?


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So it turns out Puff Daddy has an animated show in development, described as South Park in inner-city Detroit. Couple of things here, Siya.  1.) Comparing your show to South Park right out of the gate is recipe for cancellation.  2.) It still has to be better than Mike Tyson’s low-rent Scooby-Doo knockoff.  3.) I don’t really care about this. I just wanted to set-up a thought experiment with you. So dude, what if Puff Daddy was really a pufferfish?  THINK ABOUT IT!

First of all, if you’re gonna go there, the image should be a pufferfish, with Puffy’s face on it! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

I think that’s the best piece of art I’ve created for the site, but that’s off topic. Dude. You know a lot about Puff Daddy, and thanks to eight minutes of research I know a lot about pufferfish! THERE’S NO TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH MORE QUALIFIED TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

You thought it a compliment to praise my incidental awareness of Puffy (I will not not call him Daddy). That’s a miscalculation. It’s not. Sure as hell not enough to get me to work on this lazy-ass post. Also, you don’t know a thing about pufferfish. HOLY $HIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ARGUING THIS!

Dude, there’s an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to fictional fish! They only list one fictional pufferfish – Mrs. Puff from SpongeBob SquarePants, which is some serious bullshit because Finding Nemo, aka the movie I saw three times in theaters so I could get hand-jobs in high school, also had a pufferfish in it! So once again, Wikipedia’s curation is killing my buzz. BUT! I’d have to imagine that they’re going to be thrilled to see a new entry on that list: PUFFER DADDY FISH.

By the time I’m done with this oatmeal bowl, I am hoping you will have come to your senses and puff-puff-passed this dumbass idea.

If Puff Daddy had always been a pufferfish it could have saved 13 year old me $12 dollars on We Invented the Remix! Think of all the things I could have used that money on instead! Compound interest could have had me living like George Jetson by now! Or maybe he still would have made that album, only remixed with whale sounds instead of that awful “Peaches & Cream” song. Which would have been too dope, and well worth the $12. Would “Bad Boys For Life” have been called “Terrible Tetraodontidaes For Life”? These are the hypotheticals that keep me up at night.

You know, you’re the 3rd person that’s directly referred to that “Peaches & Cream” remix as wack! YOU’RE ALL WRONG. That song’s got an ill dance break Puffy announces by goin’ “This is the dance break“. Big would have SMASHED that record.

Oh, BIGGIE! Think about BIGGIE! His career would have been so different!  He would have been the dude rolling with Ma$e AND a pufferfish to the club. THAT’S THE BEST ENTOURAGE POSSIBLE. Obviously he still would have died promoting Life After Death, but it would have been from accidental saxitoxin poising from slapping Puff Daddy instead of gunfire.

Let this Puffer Daddy Fish $hit GO! Also, even in your hypothetical it doesn’t work! Why would Biggie smack Puff? They were best friends.

You know the ultimate end game? PUFFER DADDY FISH WOULD HAVE MARRIED MILEY CYRUS. She loves pufferfish! She has one tattooed on her! They would have been the first inter-species famous couple (Note: I’m not counting Heidi Klum and Seal here. Seal is not actually an aquatic sea mammal.  I googled to confirm.). They’d have been trailblazers for ichthyoid-human relationships. THEY WOULD HAVE STARTED A CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.

I just finished my oatmeal. I’m also finished talking or every thinking about this. If you post this, don’t associate my name with it.

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