Three things that we’ll never know:
1. Why Scottish DJ and hitmaker Calvin Harris didn’t just go with his birth name “Adam Wiles”. That’s RIFE for puns. “He’s Wildin”… “Wiley Remixes”… his tour could be the “Wile-Din” Tour (a party followed by an exclusiveDINner with a few select fans) THAT WAS ALL JUST OFF THE TOP!
2 (on). Why Tinashe doesn’t just take this sultry electro-guitar fusion island-riddim to launch the campaign for her sophomore album. Strike while the iron’s hot, baby-girl! Rumor has it this was a demo for Rihanna’s 8th album, currently in roll-out mode. Titi! You are no longer a studio-singer. Riri is competition now! Give this twerk-tune to the world yourself!
3. Who is dancing with Turn-up-Turnip in that picture. Seriously! Who’s at that party? Is he solo dolo? Is he really a sad and lonely Turnip compensating with grand public gestures? Is he partying with any of Ben’s Potatoes? Is he just a Turnip lost in a human world? Pray for the Turnip, if not – TURN UP!
This little, lonely potato here is a B Sized Gold Potato. Normally these potatoes are sold in prepackaged potato bags. For whatever reason, this potato finds itself exiled from its original potato bag. This potato should, no, needs to be put into a new bag. This potato has more value as a part of the potato bag community. Alone, this potato might not make it in the world. You’d think it’d be easy for this potato to establish roots inside a new potato bag. But no, it’s nearly fucking impossible for an outside potato to transfer into a prepackaged potato bag.
Why? Because we prepackage our potatoes in bags made of red tape. You know what you need to do to get approval to get a potato added to the potato bag? First you have to talk to a Produce Stocker, who will in turn need to ask a Front End Worker for the correct Front End Manager to ask for approval. The Front End Manager will need a moment to investigate the proper handling and sorting of potatoes into bags, a policy divided into two separate subclasses, one for organic produce, the other for conventional produce. Upon finding the correct policy, the Front End Manager will need to consult with the Head of Produce. The Head of Produce works directly for the Head Grocer, and will defer to the Head Grocer’s decision on the matter. The Head Grocer will not make a decision without conferring with guidelines set forth by the Inventory Management System. If the Inventory Management System says go ahead, the Head Grocer still might take the case to the Store Manager, who acting as a representative to the Board of Trustees, can only make a decision with a majority vote approval by the Board, which of course cannot happen until all open Board seats are filled by the Exploratory Committee for the Grocery Store Board of Trustees Candidates.
And that’s why it’s so fucking hard to add one extra potato to your prepackaged bag.
OKC Thunder superstar Russell Westbrook executes the perfect hand-off from his All Star Weekend trophy car. Single mother of two is graduating from college soon. So the Triple-Double-Machine put his “Russell Westbrook Why Not?” Foundation to work on an early graduation present for her. It was a… SLAM DUNK of a surprise.
Get it? Since he’s a basketball player? So it’s like… a metaphor! Its a metaphor for how well he executed that! See? HAHA! Just watch the video and say “awwww”.
I shattered my phone screen and I still didn’t buy a case.
I currently rock an iFunSIX®™©, which is not an endorsement of the phone (though if you DO want your company’s name here, holler at this dude. I will sell out for cash. #nobrandintegrity), but is an actual fact. It’s the fourth or fifth iteration of the Fruit Phone I’ve owned. Never once during any of those purchases have I felt the need to get an extended warranty or a phone case. Every single time I’ve declined those two options, I’ve had the exact same conversation with the exact same spray-tanned sales rep. Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Shattered My Phone Screen And I Still Didn’t Buy A Case