I had big plans for a Yukon Gold post today, but life has a way of throwing things at you that make you stop and RECONSIDER EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR HUMAN EXISTENCE. Yes, this is another goddamned, untrustworthy Golden Sweet Potato. Only this time, it’s so very obviously trying to be a banana.
There are just too many tangents I could get into about this, the racial implications of bananas, the environmental impact of bananas, the differences between starches and fruit, but really it all boils down to one point – something is wrong with how we’re raising our Golden Sweet Potatoes if they’re not comfortable in their own skin.
That’s right, I flipped it on you. I’m empathetic to the plight of the Golden Sweet Potato. We’re raising our Golden Sweet Potatoes on the idea that they are what their name implies, but the reality is that as these potatoes age, they find themselves not as gold, but a dull brownish-red. Of course that knowledge is going to cause a crisis of self, it’s only natural that they start seeking outlets for escape. They turn to the bright yellow skin of bananas, desperate for that blonder hue, tantalizingly close to the gold they were told to be their entire lives. They mutilate themselves, desperately contorting their bodies to match the slender thin curves of the more famous fruit, losing their identity in the process.
No more. Golden Sweet Potatoes, I’m asking you to look inward, deep into your vibrant, orange soul, and find the real beauty there. You’re perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to become bananas to make the world happy. We’ll be happy enough if you just stay true to yourself.
Confession about this Throwback Thursday #SongOfTheDay selection; until an embarrassingly recent age, I always thought the hook went “Go Go, Jason Waterfalls“. Then I would wonder ‘where are these Jason Waterfalls?‘ Then I learned of all the greatest waterfalls on earth; I learned of Victoria Falls (just north of my home country of South Africa), then I learned of Niagara Falls in America, then I learned of the Angel Falls in Venezuela – and HOLY $HIT were those huge! All along thinking, what was so special about these “Jason Waterfalls” Left-Eye (R.I.P.) sang about? Then I would just hit the bop like so:
Really we could all use some of these gems:
1. Kevin Hart is niggarich/niggarish “African-American Rich”. [Watch ya mouth, lil fucker]
2. In jail, when they wanted a piece of Martha Stewart ass, Martha decided “some bitch needed to get got.”
3. A linen-based birth control tip for Ludacris you won’t see coming #ForcedPun.
In a few weeks I’m traveling abroad because my life is dope and I do dope shit. In preparation I thought it’d be a good idea to start learning some German phrases. The only problem? When I went to google German phrases, I accidently googled David Hasselhoff instead. Common mistake I assume.
Diary, do you know how dope David Hasselhoff is?
The dude has been in some really cool shit. Sure, he had those iconic roles in Baywatch and Knight Rider (Which, by the way, if you don’t think Knight Rider is permanently embedded in American culture, you need jump into Microsoft Word, type “Night Rider” without the quotes, and watch Clippy’s underground army of underliners flip the fuck out.), but I didn’t realize he had been in so much Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Tried To Learn German But Didn’t
Question, who won here? The server for posing for a picture after the sneak attack, or Tyga for still tossin up the deuces and still taking the picture?
Chris Brown’s Fan of a Fan partner-in-crime was enjoying launch of his lucrative endorsement deal with LA Gear. Some housekeeping business might have slipped his mind – with all the dates with Kylie Jenner, beef with Canadian rappers, joint albums with Chris Brown – and what not. NOT TO WORRY, LA’s smoothest server found the Last King. He was even nice enough to buy some new pairs of Tyga sneakers, and grab a pic for the gram! #GrandOpeningGrandClosing