You guys… LOOK HOW FUCKING TINY THIS POTATO IS. Is this real life? I’m serious. Someone please tell me if this is real life. I know today is April Fool’s Day, so is this an elaborate prank? That absolutely cannot be real. That’s a potato you’d find in a dollhouse. LOOK HOW FUCKING TINY IT IS. I tried the old dick pic trick, using a penny to make it look larger by scale, but you know what, THE PENNY MADE IT LOOK EVEN SMALLER.
You guys… imagine how tough it would be to grow up as that potato. For real, put yourself in that potato’s size six millimeter shoes. One day you sprout out of the ground and some farmer’s oven-mitt hands scoop you up, wash you off, and suddenly it’s declared that henceforth you shall be branded a Peewee Potato. A PEEWEE POTATO. Dude. That’s too embarrassing. Your name is always going to remind people of jacking off in a movie theater. And that’s not your fault! You’re a potato! You don’t even have sex organs! Life is just rough. Oh man, I feel so bad for you, baby Peewee Potato. I want to cradle your tiny little potato head in my hands, er well, like… finger? You’re too small to even cradle!
You guys… tonight let’s all shed one tear for that tiny fucking potato. It’s the least we can do.